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How To Say Sorry… like a man!

Posted 29 Oct 2009 by Pastor Michael. View Comments

How come we can say sorry about bumping into some-one accidently while standing in a queue waiting for our favourite brew but when it really matters we’d rather chew razor blades? Not saying sorry can damage if not destroy our relationships, including those we are closest to. Growing up means learning how to say sorry. One sure sign of maturity is the ability to take responsibility and saying sorry means you are taking responsibility!

Why Men Don’t Apologise

Proud men don’t apologise. Why? Because you have to accept that you at fault and are taking responsibilty for that!

Embarrassed men dont apologise. Why? Because at best we dont want to admit or own our emotions and then talk about them. So when we feel bad or dumb or inadequate we go into our caves and hide rather than face reality head on.

Angry men dont apologise. Why? Because our anger deflects onto the other person we think has wronged us, we justify our actions and thus prevents us from seeing our part in the mess.

The soultion? Be humble! Men love posturing and this means we put up facades that present an overinflated false picture of who we really are. We act as if we’re not always right but we’re never wrong! We present a persona that says we are handling and coping with everything life throws at us. But under our Superman suit we are all just Clark Kent – human and as such we do make mistakes. Accepting your humanity is not wrong; it’s what you are. To act like you’re divine will alienate you from everyone but to accept this will mature you as a man.

Must I Apologise?

Yes, including when you are not totally to blame. Dont be the kind of guy that refuses to acknowledge your part in the offence and only aplogise when it’s 100% your fault. Remember it takes two to cause an offence and it’s rare that an offence is 100% one person’s fault.

Find and acknowledge your part in the offence and seek to understand yourself – why you did what you did. Understanding is the dorrway to growth and maturity. Justifying yourself is destructive and short-sighted which will negate any personal potential growth. While you justify yourself you may be destroying what is most precious to you. Some men choose to be right but it comes at a very high expense.

Normally owning up to your part in the relational breakdown will help the others involved to accept their part but even if they dont it doesn’t matter. At least you not held captive to their unwillingness to apologise.

Boys in big bodies dont apologise. Children hide under the bed or run away. Nothing changes. Big boys still hide or run away. A mantakes ownership of his faults whether there are unpleasant consequences or not.

Apologise as soon as possible because the longer you wait the more justified you will be become and the more hurt and resentful the other will be. Ignring an offence means sweeping it under the carpet but eventually everyone including you is going to trip and fall over that offence mountain under the carpet! The sooner you apologise the sooner the awkwardness can be dealt with and everyone can move on. A bit of humour also helps in the right context. Stop taking yourself so seriously and have a good laugh at yourself!

Don’t Apologise when standing up for your faith in Jesus Christ and the Christian values, standards and principles you uphold… as long as you dont defend yourself by acting like a moron! And if you do act like a moron then you’ve already lost your case and you should sincerely apologise. You have a right to your faith and even if people dont agree with it they should respect that.

Don’t apologise for not being perfect. Unreasonable people and unreasonable expectations should be called as such. If the expectation is unreasonable then say so and don’t apologise for it no matter how the other party tries to justify the reasoning behind their demands.

Dont apologise for every little thing. Being overly sensitive is a sign of certain insecurity and low self-esteem. No-one respects a compulsive apologiser and far from being manly it’s really emasculating.

9 steps for saying sorry like a man:

  1. If you cant look them in the face then put it in writing.
  2. Admit to others what they already know about you but just aren’t saying. It helps everyone.
  3. Laugh at yourself. It helps others laugh with you.
  4. Really apologise otherwise it’s not an apology at all. Do  not say I’m sorry but… That is not an apology. You have the right to explain but not the right to excuse yourself. Do not express sorrow for them being sorry. You are not admitting any fault and merely pouring petrol on the fire instead of water.
  5. Explain why you are sorry because it expresses your understanding of the gravity of the situation, that you have thought about what you have done and what it means to you and others you have hurt. This tells the other party that you’re not just apologising because you have to.
  6. When you apologise do whatever it takes to make right. If you don’t offer to make right then the apology is not an apology because it means that you are not taking responsibility for your actions.
  7. Regret that you did what you did and communicate your wish to grow and do better in the future; that you have learnt from your behaviour. Where necessary get professional help.
  8. Actions speak louder than words. If your words are not followed up with corresponding actions then it meant nothing at all. A man is a man of his word.
  9. Fail forward! Go on living and do not live in regret. Being anchored in the past is for neutralised men. Life is for living.

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Posted 29 Oct 2009 by Pastor Michael
Categories: He Saved The Day
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